Who Do You Think You Are?
by islashlove
Summary: Shawn Spencer is a good natured person. Always cheerful and smiling. So what happen to that Shawn and why did the sudden change in his temperament have Lassiter so worried. Warning: This is a slash story. WARNING: THIS STORY HAS/MENTIONS SEXUAL, ALTHOUGH NOT REALLY GRAPHIC, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE, AND BECAUSE OF THIS, IT IS NOW 'M' RATED.
1. Let Me Tell You Who I Am!

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is from Psych. **

**Warning: This is a slash story. A very angry Shawn, suicide thoughts and signs of depression. THIS STORY ALSO HAS AND/OR MENTIONS SEXUAL, ALTHOUGH NOT REALLY GRAPHIC, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.**

**Beta: Yes, I would like to say thank you to my Beta jerseybelle**

**Author's Notes: ****This story is the response to a one word challenge from the Facebook group Fanfiction .net Writer's Unite. The word this week is Snarky****.**

**Story Notes: Shawn Spencer is a good natured person. Always cheerful and smiling. So what happen to that Shawn and why did the sudden change in his temperament have Lassiter so worried.**

**Who Do You Think You Are?**

**Chapter 1: Let Me Tell You Who I Am!**

Only those who were new to the Santa Barbara Police Station looked up when their Head Detective stormed out of the Chief's office followed by a smaller man. They could see the anger in the Detective's face as it slowly grew redder and redder.

Anyone that had been at the station long enough wasn't bothered by the fact that Detective Lassiter was yelling at the shorter man, hell...they would be more worried if he wasn't.

So they went about their daily duties, while the new officers learned their first lesson about the strange relationship between Detective Lassiter and their resident psychic, Shawn Spencer.

But what no one realised was, this wasn't any normal day. This was the day that everyone saw another side of Shawn Spencer. A side of him that they all prayed they'd never get to see again.

Detective Lassiter had stopped at his desk and, like all the other times, was expecting Spencer to do the same. He was really angry at the fake psychic this time. Not only had Spencer put himself and his partner in danger, he had put several officer's in the firing line as well. But when Spencer didn't stop to do his usual taunting about solving the case, Detective Lassiter, for some reason that he couldn't explain, got even angrier.

"SPENCER! Where the hell do you think you are going?" Lassiter yelled sending a few officers that thought they were too close, running.

When Spencer just kept walking away, Lassiter finally had it with him. Taking off after Shawn, Lassiter reached him just about the middle of the bullpen. Reaching out, Lassiter placed a hand on Shawn's shoulder to stop him.

But it was a big mistake and before he knew it, Shawn had turned around, grabbing Lassiter's hand so he couldn't move it. In the same movement, Shawn had swung around and had planted a good right hook to the Detective's jaw. Lassiter was flat on the floor with-in a second of touching Shawn.

Now everyone had stopped whatever they were doing and stared at the scene before them. Never before had they seen the Psychic lose his temper, let alone strike the Detective and because of his fact, on one knew what to do.

After recovering from the shock, Detective Lassiter was quickly on his feet, his face only inches from Spence's. "Who the hell do you think you are?" Lassiter's voice was low and commanding; the anger with-in the voice could still be heard, though. Everyone held their breath, waiting for the Detective to hit the younger man.

"I am…who I am!" Shawn snarled back. Not too sure what to do and added with the shock of Spencer's sudden strange behaviour, Lassiter took a few steps back. "What you see is what you get, Detective. Nothing more…nothing less. This is WHAT I am! This is WHO I am! What stands before you is all you get. This is me, Shawn Spencer, the fool and the idiot."

With that Shawn turned around and walked away. Lassiter just stood there; he was too shocked to do anything other than watch him leave. He couldn't believe what had just happened. Spencer had not only hit him, but he lost this temper, too. What the hell was happening around here? And why, in the pit of Lassiter's stomach, was there a growing fear that there was something wrong. Something very wrong with this picture in front of him.

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	2. What Made Shawn Change?

**Chapter 2: What Made Shawn Change?**

Five weeks earlier.

Shawn should have seen the fist coming, but it's hard to see anything when your eyes are swollen and full of blood, but he sure felt it. He felt it as it connected with his stomach and continued through, deeper and deeper into body. He felt the air being pushed out of his lungs and the contents of his stomach trying to escape. He felt all of that and more.

He felt the pain that was shooting through his body. The pain from every blow that his latest boyfriend had struck him with. To the head, to the chest and to the stomach. His body was full of pain and he was black and blue all over. But the physical pain was nothing compared to the mental one.

_'You're stupid, Shawn. You're nothing. If you want to keep me, you're going to need to grow up. You're going to have to change, Shawn'_. Those last words hurt the most. They were like a knife being pushed deep into his heart. They were the words that everyone says to him. His dad, his mum, Gus, everyone he had ever thought loved him, hell, even Lassie yells those words at him. _'You need to change_'.

_'Why? Why can't anyone accept me, love me for who I am?'_ were the thoughts going through his head. _'Why do I have to change for someone to love me?'_

Once again, Glenn's fist collided with his head and the world around Shawn went black.

When Shawn awoke a few days later, those words were still echoing around his head. _'You need to change', _and as the anger grew inside of him, Shawn realised that they were right. He did need to change and he did. The only thing is, they just might not like what he changed into.

He started with Glenn, since he was the latest one to put him in hospital. But Shawn was going to make sure he was the last one. Shawn smiled as he watched the smug look on Glenn's face disappear in a wave of shock as the officer told him that Shawn was pressing assault charges against him.

And as his Glenn begged Shawn to change his mind, the smile hardened, along with his heart, as the anger of years being told to change took hold.

"You wanted me to change, so I did." Shawn's voice reflected the anger that was burning in his eyes and as that anger grew, his green eyes darkened.

"Not...not like this, Shawn."

"Well too late now, isn't it." Shawn snarled, before turning and walking out of the station.

Shawn stuck around in LA for the next two weeks. Partly for his body to heal and partly to be there for the trial. It only took three days for all the evidence and testimonies to be seen and heard and only a few hours for the guilty verdict to be handed down.

As Glenn was being led away, he looked over at Shawn. "You've changed, Shawn, and not in a good way. Why?"

"Because you and everyone else I've ever known has told me that I needed to change, so I have. Happy?"

Glenn just shook his head as he was led away. '_God, what have we done'_, was the only thought he could muster.

That evening, Shawn gave all his clothing to Goodwill and bought new ones. They were tight and stiff, just as his heart was now. He sold his bike and bought a car. Shawn had made up his mind that if he was going to change, everything about him was going to change. His clothing, his looks and his attitude.

If they really believed that he needed to change, they've got it. The boy had now grown up, leaving behind his childhood fantasies. A man who now understood that there was no such thing as love or happiness, at least, not for him. That...that Detective Lassiter was right and going through a world full of anger was the only way to go.

After packing his bag to leave, Shawn took out his wallet and opened it. He then took out all of the photos he had and burned them.

_'No use carrying a pictures of people who don't care for me'_," he thought as the pictures of his mum, his dad and Gus disappeared. And as Lassiter's picture burned, his thoughts continued, _'or of someone that will never love me back'_.

And as Lassiter's face was engulfed in flames, Shawn's heart set like concrete.

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	3. Home Again

**Chapter 3: Home Again**

The first few days Shawn was home, he avoided everyone. He went out and found a normal apartment and rented it. He bought furniture for it and then let go of the old dry cleaners shop he had lived in before. He cleaned out everything he owned, only keeping a few things from his past.

He had even cleaned out his phone. Gone were the games, the songs and the silly Apps. Shawn was actually surprised at how much memory his phone now had.

It was on his third day home that Gus called. "Burton, nice to hear from you," Shawn said into the receiver, and just as he guessed, Gus thought he was mucking around. "Shawn, stop kidding around. I've just checked in at your place. The locks have been changed and from what I can see, all of your stuff is gone."

"What happen to checking on it every day for me?" Gus could hear a slight tinge of anger in Shawn's voice and wasn't sure what to say. "Don't worry about it, Burton. I've moved from there. Two days ago, in fact. Thank you for nothing."

"Shawn, what's wrong?"

"I don't know what you mean by what's wrong. Nothing is wrong. I will see you at the office tomorrow. Goodnight, Burton." And with that, Shawn hung up leaving a very confused Gus on the other end.

Gus knew something was wrong, he just couldn't put his finger on it. Shrugging it off, he knew he would get answers some time tomorrow, so he headed off to bed.

Shawn on the other hand sat down on his new armchair and sipped away on the bottle of beer he had been drinking. By the time he was ready to drag himself off to bed, the floor around the armchair was covered in empty beer bottles.

Gus arrived at the Psych office around nine, but when he walked through the door, he wasn't expecting to see anyone sitting at Shawn's desk, let alone, Shawn. It had taken him a few seconds to realise that it was Shawn; after all, this man had a short, neat haircut and was dressed in a black suit.

"Shawn, is that you?" Shawn looked up at Gus and glared at him.

Gus swallowed hard when he saw the dark green eyes staring at him. They weren't Shawn's eyes. These eyes seemed to be filled with anger instead of the smile that was Shawn's. _'What's happened to Shawn while he's been away for the last four weeks?'_ Gus thought to himself.

"Yes, Burton, it's me. Are you ok?" The voice Gus heard sounded like Shawn, but like the eyes, it wasn't Shawn's words. Gus could hear the anger behind each word that was spoken. They were emotionless, calm and harsh, as if Shawn had woken up one day and hated him.

"I'm fine, Shawn, but what's with 'Burton'? You've always called me Gus." Somehow Gus has this strange feeling that he was walking on eggshells.

"You've always said you hated me calling you that. That your name is Burton. I'm just trying to give you what you wanted." The way Shawn said it sent shivers down Gus' spine. "Now, are there any cases?" And just like on queue the phone rang.

Picking it up, Shawn listened to the person on the other end. With the way Shawn was saying,

'Yes, Chief', Gus figured it was Chief Vick that had called and that they were needed for a case.

As Shawn put the receiver down, he stood up. "The Chief needs us." And with that they headed out the door. When they got to the bottom of the stairs, Gus realised he couldn't see Shawn's motorbike, anywhere.

"Shawn, where's your ..."

"I sold it." It was all Shawn said as he climbed into Gus' car.

Gus couldn't work out where all this anger was coming from or where the carefree Shawn that he loved so much had gone, but he just prayed that this 'Shawn' wasn't going to be around too long. Gus didn't say anything; he just got into the car and drove to the station.

Not much could make the officer's at the Santa Barbara Police station just stop what they are doing and Shawn Spencer, entering the bullpen again, wouldn't normally cause a stir. But when Shawn walked, not skipped, jumped or sneaked into the bullpen, and was dressed in a neat black suit, well, everyone noticed.

They all stopped and stared at the young man and then started to talk amongst themselves as to what the younger Spencer was up to. But all talking stopped as soon as Shawn's anger filled eyes connected with theirs.

He didn't say a word, he just walked up to the Chief's door and knocked. Behind him, the voices started chatting again, but Shawn ignored them and entered the Chief's office when he heard her say 'enter'. Gus just followed him in.

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	4. Everyone, Meet the New Shawn Spencer

**Chapter 4: Everyone, Meet the New Shawn Spencer**

"Glad you could join us, Mr. Guster, Mr. Spen..." Chief Vick paused what she was saying when she looked up and saw Shawn.

Somehow, he looked different, but whether it was the suit he was wearing or the seriousness in his face and eyes, she wasn't sure, but the one thing she was sure about was the fear and confusion Guster had in his eyes.

The sudden pause caused the rest of the occupants of the room to turn and look at the two men that entered, but eyes only stayed on Gus for a second, before shifting to Shawn. Each one had an unsettling feeling about the strange looking Shawn.

Henry stared at his son. Something was off, really off, but what, he couldn't tell. Hopefully Gus will be able to tell him all about it later.

Juliet didn't know why, but she felt somewhat afraid. Seeing Shawn like this made her afraid for his safety.

McNab looked at Shawn strangely. In all the time he had known Shawn, he had never, or at least not without protest, worn a suit. He felt it didn't suit him and that for some reason, the suit had change who Shawn really was. Gone was the fun Shawn, but what replaced it, McNab wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

Lassiter was the one that stared the hardest at Shawn. His head was swimming with a mixture of emotions. At first glance, he couldn't help thinking how handsome Shawn looked in the suit, but when Shawn looked at him and all Lassiter saw was anger, his heart started to ache. The light, the spark of happiness that was Spencer was gone and his eyes seemed dead.

Shawn was also looking around at the faces that were staring at him, but he didn't really see them. For the very first time in his life, Shawn couldn't see clearly; all he saw was the disappointment, the disgust and the approval at what they saw. Even Lassiter seemed to like what he was seeing.

Looking back at the Chief, Shawn asked, "You wanted us, Chief?"

"Um-mm...yes," Chief Vick said as she played with the papers in front of her. Somehow Shawn's tone, along with his new look, felt just too wrong. "I have a case for you and the detectives. Your father said you would be the best consultants for this job."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Great," Lassiter snorted, which caused everyone to look at him.

"Do you have something to say, Detective Lassiter?" Chief Vick asked.

"I was just wondering what Spencer is up to now." They were all thinking it, but none of them were willing to say it.

"I'm sorry, Detective Lassiter, but have I done something wrong."

Just about everyone jumped when they heard and felt the anger in Shawn's voice. Even Lassiter was taken aback by it.

"I'm...just saying, what's with the suit?"

"I've changed. I've grown up, just like everyone wanted me to. Now, the case, Chief Vick."

Lassiter didn't know what to say. Sure, he would have liked Spencer to tone it down a little bit and to think before he went racing into danger, but not like this. This isn't his Spencer. This is a man he doesn't know. A man that, he had a feeling, was way more dangerous than the old Spencer. But what made him change so much?

"Yes," Chief Vick said. "We have a kidnapping case or rather, cases. Four kids have been kidnapped, three have been found, unfortunately, we've been too late. So far, all we have is that a kid goes missing, a week later, another one."

"How long has the last one been missing?"

"Two days. There is no sign of abuse, just...that this person strangled them with their hands."

"Seems like they want kids, but can't handle them."

"Here is the file and when you are ready, go see Woody and see if you can contact the children."

"Yes Chief." Shawn's tone seemed to have softened a little, but the harsh stare had stayed.

Shawn, Gus, Lassiter, Juliet and McNab left the Chief's office and walked over one of the smaller offices so they could go over the case again. Not one of them took their eyes off Shawn's back as he led the way.

"Henry, what is going on with your son?"

"I don't know, Karen, but whatever it is...I hope he gets over it soon."

"Somehow, I agree with you." With that, Henry returned to his desk and Chief Vick returned to the paper work on her desk.

It only took them a few moments to go over what they knew. The kids and their families didn't know the other families. They were from different backgrounds, race and social standings. There was nothing connecting them. They were even of different ages and sex.

After a while, they headed down to see Woody.

Who greeted them like he usually did, that was until he saw Shawn. The moment the psychic walked through the door, Woody stared at him. His smile disappeared and he stood up straight as if he had done something wrong. All the kidding around was gone and tension filled the air.

For the first time since Woody started there, they were in and out of the morgue in no time and without one joke being made. Once outside, the two teams went their separate ways. Lassiter and O'Hara back to the station and Shawn and Gus headed back to the Psych office.

After they walked into Psych, Gus could no longer hold it back.

"Come on, Shawn, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean, Burton?"

"Well, that for starts. You have always called me Gus, so what's with using my first name or calling Lassiter, Detective Lassiter. What happened to Lassie?"

"What's wrong, don't like the new me, Burton?"

Gus stepped back a little. The anger that was burning in Shawn's eyes was real, too real for Gus's liking.

"No, I don't! What happened, Shawn?"

"You all wanted me to change," Shawn said as he turned around and lent against his desk. "So I have changed. I will be doing my share of the paper work and I won't be dragging you into anything that you don't want to be dragged into."

"But that's not you, Shawn. This, isn't you."

"It is now," Shawn snapped as he swung around to face Gus. "And if you don't like it, you can leave. You are just like everyone else. You can never be happy with me being me. I changed for you all because you didn't like the old me, so learn to deal with the new me."

"Shawn, please?"

"No, the old Shawn is gone. I think you should leave and don't worry about coming back."

"Shawn ..." Gus just watched as Shawn turned his back to him. He knew that trying to talk to Shawn right now, would just be wasting his breath. So with a heavy heart, Gus turned and walked out of the Psych office and maybe, out on his best friend.

Gus sat in his car for a few moments watching Shawn's shadow move around the office before he headed over to see Mr. Spencer.

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	5. The Affects of Shawn Spencer

**Chapter 5: The Effects of Shawn Spencer**

The drive back to the station was full of tension. Lassiter and Juliet's minds were both filled with thoughts about this change is Shawn and...not one of those thoughts were good.

Juliet kept looking over at her partner. She was worried. Worried about this sudden change in Shawn and what could have caused it. Worried that they may have lost the old Shawn forever and she worried about Lassiter. He may never have said it, but she could tell he was in love with Shawn and that maybe, somehow, he blamed himself for this change.

Lassiter could feel O'Hara's eyes on him, but he didn't want to talk. He was worried about Spencer and what this sudden change in his behaviour would mean, but there was something else that had caught his attention. Something Woody had said, when he thought only Spencer could hear him. Something about a court case and that he was proud of Spencer, but too bad he had to change like this, to finally do it.

Whatever this court case was, it had something to do with why Spencer had changed and Lassiter was determined to find out what it was all about. But first of all, they needed to find the missing kid before it was too late.

"What do you think of Shawn right now?"

Juliet's question shook him out of his thoughts. "Haven't really seen much of it yet, but I just hope it doesn't affect the case. We need to find this kid...alive!"

Juliet knew he didn't mean what he had just said and just like her, and everyone else who has had the chance to meet the new Shawn, he would have some sort of opinion about it. Juliet was also sure that none of it would be good. But Lassiter was right; right now they needed to deal with the case at hand and Shawn next, as long as this new Shawn doesn't cause any trouble for the case.

They made it back to the station and had started going through witness statements from where the kids were last seen, when Juliet got a phone call.

Lassiter sat at the opposite end of the long table, but every so often he would look up at Juliet, especially after she would make some sort of strange noise. When the phone call finished, he looked at her, concern etched across his face, at the devastated look on her own.

"Is everything ok?"

"NO! I don't think it is." Juliet replied, without looking up, but when she did, she could see confusion staring back at her. "Shawn just kicked Gus out of the Psych office."

"He what?"

"He kicked Gus out of the ..."

"I heard that part, O'Hara, what actually happened?"

"Gus said he asked Shawn what was going on and Shawn practically bit his head off and then told him that if he didn't like the new him, to get out."

"And Guster just left?"

"No, when Gus pushed a little harder, he said that Shawn said that he changed like everyone wanted him to and that he's not changing again, and when Gus went to protest, Shawn just told him to go and not come back."

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Lassiter asked as he slammed his fists on the table.

"I don't know," Juliet said shaking her head, "But whatever it is, it's affecting everyone."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Just look at yourself, Carlton. Before you met Shawn, you just threw yourself into your work, your marriage was failing and you were heading for self-destruction and you can't deny that, can you. Then you met Shawn and over time, you start to learn how to relax, how to have fun. You started to, and ended up, connecting with your fellow officers."

"You're right, but what's that to do with Spencer's behaviour right now?"

"Look at what's happening. Shawn has changed and everyone around him, has changed too. Gus said that he lost his temper with Shawn when he asked him what had happened. Have you ever heard of Gus losing his tempter, let alone with Shawn? Even Woody just...changed as soon as Shawn walked into the morgue. And tell me, are you relaxed? I mean, you just slammed your fist on the table. When was the last time you did that? Even I'm getting snappy at you. Shawn...for some reason I just can't explain it, made people around him happy, but now that he seems to be full of anger, we're all feeling angry."

"You might be right," Lassiter said as he took a few deep breathes to calm down. "But what can we do about it?"

"Right now, nothing. You're right, finding this missing boy before it's too late is more important right now, but when we catch this son-of-a-bitch, we really need to sit down with Shawn and have it out. Maybe even have a heart to heart with him."

Lassiter nodded in agreement. "So let's catch this, as you called them, son-of-a-bitch, so we can have our Spencer back."

Gus hung up his phone after talking to Juliet. He had been sitting in his car, staring at the front door of a house in which he had spent his childhood running in and out of. He and Shawn were either running out the door to his house or back in, to Shawn's bedroom. Never, in his wildest dreams, did Gus imagine that he would be coming here as an adult to talk to Shawn's dad because he was frightened of Shawn.

Gus watched as Henry's pickup pulled into the driveway and Henry climbed out. Somehow, Gus wasn't surprised at all when Henry looked his way, but the worry and concern on Henry's face was a surprise and it meant that this, whatever this was, was bad.

Henry had noticed Gus's car parked outside his house as he pulled in. Gus wouldn't be here, without Shawn unless something was wrong and with what he saw of Shawn to today, something was very wrong. Henry knew he didn't need to say anything to Gus, all he did was nod and Gus joined him as he walked to his front door.

Neither one spoke, not until they were inside, sitting down in the lounge with a beer in their hands and even then, it took a few moments before the words started to flow.

"What's wrong with Shawn?"

Gus wasn't surprised that Henry spoke first. He wasn't even surprised that Henry thought that he knew what was going on, but he didn't and he wasn't too sure what to say. "I don't know." Gus had whispered it, but Henry had heard it quite clearly.

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"Shawn was at the Psych office when I got there this morning. He was dressed in that suit, his hair cut and..." Gus swallowed hard, the rest was easy to say, but this last part, it really showed how much Shawn had changed.

"And …?" Henry's voice was low and commanding.

"And, he told me he had sold his bike." Gus waited for Henry's response, but all he got was silence. Too afraid to look up, Gus wondered what Henry was thinking.

But soon, Henry broke the silence. "Anything else?"

"After we finished with Detective Lassiter and Juliet, we went back to Psych and ...after I asked Shawn what was going on, he kicked me out."

"Did he give you any idea why this has happened?"

"Just that he had done what we all wanted him to do. To...to grow up!" Gus now had the nerve to look at Henry and he didn't like what he saw. Henry's face was etched in deep thought.

Henry couldn't believe what Gus had just said, but he also knew that Gus wouldn't lie to him. He just prayed that whatever was going through Shawn's mind right now could be fixed before it's too late.

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	6. Shawn's Thoughts and Mood Grow Darker

**Chapter 6: Shawn's Thoughts and Mood Grow Darker**

Shawn sat in the dark in his new apartment. The furniture was cold and hard. The clothes he was wearing were stiff and uncomfortable and his thoughts were full of anger and confusion.

He had done what they wanted of him. All his life, even as a child, they wanted him to grow up and he had, yet, they're still not happy. He had changed and for what, for them to hate him even more. Shawn just didn't know anymore.

From the moment his dad could, he had trained Shawn. Not as if he was his son, but some great big weapon, in some great big war that was coming, but never happened and never will.

Even Gus wanted him to change. He had always believed that a best friend accepted the other the way they were, but again, he was wrong. He had changed and all Gus did was question him. Why? Why now? Sure, Gus used to fight with him about his half-baked schemes, but in the end, Gus did go along with them, even Psych.

He only clung to Gus because he knew no one else wanted him as a friend. He was too different, too weird and even then, the other kids wanted him to change, but he wouldn't. His grandfather once told him, _'the only way to be truly happy, is to be true to yourself'_ and he thought he had been. But the loneliness, the constant fights with those he thought had loved him had made him unhappy, all because they wanted him to change.

Over the years he had gone from boyfriends to girlfriends and back just to find someone, anyone that could love him for him, but it never happened. They would fall for his boyish, childish charm, but it would never last. Over time they would get sick of his behaviour and then they would start to tell him the same things over and over. _'You need to change your ways if you want to keep me'_, or _'Grow up, Shawn'_, or _'you need to be better than this'_, But he always stayed true to himself.

He always expected that they would keep their threats and leave, but they never did. Instead they would cheat on him or the beatings would start and they would convince him that it was all his fault. He wouldn't change so they had to cheat, to be with someone that was grown up or to try and beat some sense into him.

They would beat him so hard sometimes, that they would put him into hospital and he still believed that it was his fault because he wouldn't change for them. Even when it went the other way and he had tried to defend himself and his boyfriend had died, he still believed it was all his fault. It was during that investigation that he meet Woody, they only other man he knew was like him.

Woody had a good sense of humour and even though he worked with the dead day in and day out, he never let it get to him. In a way, Shawn looked up to Woody; he had everything Shawn didn't have, good friends, loving family and wife. What did Shawn have, guilt. Guilt because he wouldn't change to make others happy.

But he had changed. He has grown up and still they are not happy. Tired and angry from all the constant pushing, Shawn just wished there was a way to just make everyone happy, so they would leave him alone.

Taking a drink of the beer in his hand, Shawn closed his eyes. The images of his life, of people telling him to grow up, filled his mind and he let out a heavy sigh. As the image of Lassiter came into view, Shawn felt his heart tighten. He had really fallen hard for the Irish Detective, but Lassie hated him.

Shaking off the feeling, Shawn then picked up the case file and studied each page, fully and carefully, but he still saw nothing new. Just the bodies of dead kids, numbers and words, but nothing else. What more was there? No one saw the kids being taken. No one remembered seeing anything suspicious, either.

They kids were unknown to each other, just as the families themselves didn't know each other. They went to different schools, lived in different parts of Santa Barbara. What could it be, what is there that made this nuttier take these children. Each one was so different from the others.

Looking down at the picture of the latest missing child, Shawn just stared deep into the eyes, willing for something, anything, to give him a clue. But all that happened was the little boy's face looked back at him. There was nothing he could do right now, other than to get some sleep and hope for the best in the morning.

As he slept, through his dreams, Shawn saw a way out. A way to make everyone happy and for them to leave him alone for good. When he awoke the next morning, Shawn made a few notes of what he needed to do that day.

As he walked out the door to head over to the Psych office, he picked up the file and the picture fell out. Picking it up, Shawn once again looked at the picture and with a set mind he headed out.

He would save this little boy. He would stop this killer and then he would make the best change of his life. He would change him living for being dead and then everyone would be happy.

Even Lassie!

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	7. Finding a Clue

**Chapter 7: Finding a Clue**

Over the next few days, it was like hell. They visited the places where the kids had gone missing and where the bodies had been found. Shawn had even visited the kids's homes and schools, but nothing stood out.

None of the kids, or their families, had any connection to the other victims. Sure they had heard whispers of leads and possible perpetrators that were in the area, but every one of them were dead ends.

Out of frustration and anger, Shawn would go home every night and get drunk while going over everything again and again in his mind. He knew that there had to be something he was missing. Some...connection that he just hadn't put together yet.

But Shawn had a big problem. Every day he would get more and more angry. He could hear them, those that were around him, whispering. They were judging him, not happy with the way he had changed. They had all told him to change, to grow up and now that he had, they hated it. They hated everything about him.

Maybe, maybe he shouldn't wait until they find this child. It's evident that he is just holding them back. Picking up a photo of the bedroom of the last victim, Shawn drunkenly smiled at the photos that were pinned to the wall in the background.

They were of school trips, family and friends. He remembered he had one of these walls. That was until his father showed him how it should be done…just like a crime wall, showing the time line of the crime. Shawn quickly ripped every one of those photos down. After all, being the freak he was, he remembered every detail of what had happened anyway.

Somehow, he wished he was just like the monkeys in the zoo. Even though they were in a cage, they were still free to live their lives the way they wanted to. Suddenly, it all clicked to Shawn. Every child had been to the local zoo for a school trip. The zoo was the common denominator. But where at the zoo?

It was a big zoo, with lots of animals and enclosures to hide in. Looking at the clock, it was too late to ring the parents, which would have to wait until tomorrow. But finding that child. That needed to be done now.

Stumbling to his unsteady feet, Shawn tried to make it across the floor to his front door, but he was just too drunk, too unsteady and after the first few steps, he came tumbling down, striking his head on the edge of a chair and blacking out.

When Shawn came too, it was early the next morning. Stunned and hurt, he sat up and looked around him. As soon as his eyes fell on the files, he remembered what he was doing. Looking at his watch, he saw that it was four AM, still too early to ring the parents, but not too early to get to the zoo.

Getting up, he went to the bathroom and cleaned off the blood from where he had cut himself in the fall. After going to the toilet and grabbing something to eat, Shawn sent out a text to both Gus and Lassiter.

_'I found the connection, all the kids went to the zoo for a field trip. On my way there now.'_

Shawn didn't wait for a reply, he just headed off to the zoo and hoped he was on time to save the boy.

Gus heard his text tone going off. Looking at the phone, he saw that the text was from Shawn. He was still not ready to talk to him, not even through a text. _'Surely whatever Shawn wants can wait for another two hours or so.'_ Gus put his phone to one side and went back to sleep.

Lassiter didn't hear his phone going off. It was on the table beside him, upside down and the volume turned off. He was covered in the files on the children and had fallen asleep. He had been doing double shifts with this case and time was closing in. Then, to add to the worry, he had Spencer's strange behaviour.

How he wished this case was over so he could work on finding out what was happening to Spencer, but it wasn't and Spencer was getting worse by the minute. Which meant every minute he was losing his Spencer.

The drive to the zoo took Spencer about an hour. Breaking in, five minutes. After half an hour of searching, he had reached the monkey cage. Shawn remembered all the fun times he and Gus had when they were kids playing out here, watching the monkey's swinging through the trees and screaming. He also remembered that the guide had said that the sound of a monkey's scream could be mistaken as the sound of a child's screaming. So why couldn't it be the other way around. A child's scream, be mistaken for the sound of a monkey.

Walking around the edge of the cage, Shawn headed out back were the entrance to the enclosure was. It was still fairly dark and the lights in the zoo were down low for the animals to sleep.

The door had a small light on top of it, at least making it easier to find. Just as his hand grasped the handle, Shawn felt something strike him in the head. Too dazed to fight back, the next blow easily knocked him out.

**Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.**


	8. Shawn's Past Comes Back to Haunt Him

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER HAS/MENTIONS SEXUAL, ALTHOUGH NOT REALLY GRAPHIC, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.**

**Chapter 8: Shawn's Past Comes Back to Haunt Him**

Shawn's head hurt! It was throbbing badly and to make things worse, he couldn't even rub it. Carefully opening his eyes, Shawn thanked god that there was no bright light.

Letting out a groan, he lifted his head up from his chest where it had been resting and looked around. He was in the monkey enclosure. To be precise, at the back of the enclosure and tied to a tree.

His arms were stretched out across the branches and he was a little way off the ground, not too high, just enough so his feet couldn't touch the ground. Looking to his right, Shawn wasn't too surprised to find that he wasn't alone.

There, also tied to a tree was the missing boy. His head was down, his chin touching his bare chest. Shawn assumed that he was either unconscious or asleep, but whatever he was, at least he was still alive, barely, but alive still the same.

Shawn allowed his eyes to wander over the boy's naked body. He had blood flowing from the cuts all over his body and underneath his feet, which were touching the ground, was a pool of blood. Shawn knew, from the crime scene photos, that this man was crazy, but seeing his work first hand, Shawn now really understood just how crazy he was.

"Enjoying the sight?" The voice was full of pride and self-worth.

Realising what the voice meant, Shawn pulled his eyes away from the boy's body and looked to his left. He couldn't see the owner of the voice, but he could feel him, feel his eyes watching him.

"You're sick!"

"Thank you, but at least I know what and who I am. Do you know who you are, Mr. Spencer?"

"You know me?"

"To be precise, I know who and what you should be. Do you?"

"Sure, I'm Shawn Spencer. What's your name?" Shawn shivered a little as the voice let out a loud laugh.

"Ahhh...still the comedian, I see."

"No joke, I gave you my name, time for you to give me yours."

"You don't remember me, Shawn?"

Shawn swallowed hard. The way he said his name. It just couldn't be. "No! It's not you? It can't be you?"

"Can't be! Come, Shawn, you know better than that. Shall we have some fun...again?"

Shawn could feel 'his' breath against the skin of his neck and no longer was he there, in that time. Shawn's mind had taken him back. Back to when he was nine. Back when his innocence was stolen from him. Back to when he had first started to change in to a monster.

_He could feel the man's hands on him. The man inside of him and then, later, his own hands on the body of another child. He didn't want to become what this man was making him change into. But when he pulled the blade across the child's skin and saw the blood, the feeling of pleasure and pride that swelled up inside of him, made Shawn sick to the stomach._

"NOOOO! I won't. I'm not like you."

"You are, Shawn! You are just like me! I saw the look you got when you killed that child all those years ago. That's why I took the blame for his murder, so you could stay free and become what I knew was inside of you. I must admit, Shawn, you surprised me."

"How?"

"By becoming something you're not."

"I...I don't understand."

"The person you grew up to be. To act so carefree, so childlike. But now, now you are becoming the person I always knew you would become. Full of anger. Full of hate. Now you just need to use all of that and just let go and feel the blade of a knife in your hands again."

"No, I won't."

"You will. The anger at how no one wants you. How they all keep telling you to change, be what they want you to be. It will win and you will pick up the blade and make them pay for making you feel so worthless."

"I...just kill me."

"Why? Why would I kill the person I love? I don't want you to change, Shawn. I want you to become who you should be."

"I'm begging you, kill me or I swear, you will be the first I kill."

"That's it. That's the anger I want to see and it will be a pleasure to be your second victim. But first, I need to kill my last victim and you, you get to watch me."

"Shawn watched as the man walked over to the boy. He took some water and poured it over the boy's head, waking him up. The fear, the pain that Shawn could see in the boy's eyes, scared him. Not because he was afraid for the child, but because he wanted to see more fear, more pain, in them.

Shawn wanted to see the man torture and kill the boy even though he was disgusted at what he knew was about to happen. He felt his lips twist into a smile as he watched the blade cut deep into the boy's skin.

**Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.**


	9. The Rescue

**Chapter 9: The Rescue**

Detective Lassiter was awakened by someone banging on his door. Letting out an angry huff, he stood up and stormed over to his front door. "Whoever this is better have a bloody good reason to wake me up," he mumbled to himself.

Swinging the door open, he was nearly hit in the face, as the fist moved forward to knock again. Lassiter was even more surprised to find it was O'Hara and Guster standing on his doorstep.

"O"HARA!" Lassiter barked, "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"Trying to wake you up," she snapped back. They didn't have time for this.

"Then why didn't you call me?"

"We did, lots of times. Your landline is off the hook and your mobile kept going to messenger."

"Right, I didn't want to be disturbed. Sorry!"

"Did you get a message from Shawn?" Gus asked. Lassiter could hear the urgency in his voice.

"No, why...wait, if my phone was turned down, I wouldn't have heard it."

"Check, please. I only got one from him this morning and...and because I was still mad at him, I didn't look at it until an hour ago."

"Sure." Lassiter walked over to his phone which had been left sitting on the coffee table. Lifting it up, he could see all the missed calls, O'Hara had made and one single text message with the word Spencer on it.

Opening up the text he read it. '_I found the connection, all the kids went to the zoo for a field trip. On my way there now.' _He re-read it a few times, before turning around and passing the phone to Gus.

"The same message I got." Gus looked like he was going to be sick. "Why didn't I look at it last night?"

"Gus, it's not your fault. Ever since Shawn came back he...he's been angry and it's been rubbing off on all of us, too. But do you have any idea where at the zoo he would have gone?"

"No, but maybe Mr. Spencer might?"

"Just let me grab my coat."

The drive to the station was a long and quiet one. No one talked because they were afraid of what might be said. But soon, they were walking through the bullpen and towards Chief Vick's office.

"About time you lot got here. We have a connection to the children and ..."

"It's the zoo." Lassiter said.

Chief Vick gave him a strange look, "Please don't tell me you are becoming psychic, too, Detective?"

"No, but Spencer is supposed to be one. He sent this text to me and Guster last night, but...neither of us looked at the message until just now," Lassiter replied handing over his phone.

"And you got the same message, Mr. Guster?"

"Yes, Chief. We just thought that Mr. Spencer might know what part of the zoo Shawn would start at."

"I do," Henry said as he handed the phone back to Lassiter. "Shawn was...abused by a man that looked after the monkeys. If you remember Gus, Shawn used to love the zoo and then suddenly stopped going?"

"Yeah, we'd been friends for just over a year when that happened."

"The man would take a child, abuse and torture them by cutting them and in the end he was killing them. Shawn was his last victim."

"Then we need to move, now!" Lassiter said in a voice a little louder than he meant.

But instead of biting his head off, Chief Vick just nodded. "Take all the men you need."

Within ten minutes, ten police cars were heading towards the zoo, lights and sirens blaring. They stopped outside the zoo and walked/ran the rest of the way. Lassiter was the first to enter the small door at the back of the monkey enclosure.

He was surprised at how big it was, but he tried to his best to focus on the light way in the back. As they got closer, they could hear voices.

"It's ok, Shawn." the low voice seemed to echo around the darkness. "You know what I want, Shawn. Just do it."

"No, please, don't make me do it." Shawn's voice was scared.

Lassiter could never remember ever hearing that amount of fear in Shawn's voice before. Moving closer, he saw the reason for the fear. The man was holding Shawn close to the missing boy, who himself looked terrified. Strapped in Shawn's hand was a knife and the man was trying to get Shawn to cut the boy.

"You know you want to," the man whispered in Shawn's ear.

Shawn could feel the man's hot breath on his skin, sending a shiver down his whole body. He was weakening and if he let himself cut this child, Shawn knew he would give in. That he would just keep cutting and he would enjoy it and that he would want to do it again.

Lassiter had seen enough. "Freeze, this is the police."

Shawn swallowed hard. Someone had come to save the child. But in his relief, he relaxed a little and the man took advantage of it and Shawn watched in horror as the blade in his hand sliced open the boy's flesh and blood came flowing out.

Lassiter hadn't seen this. All he had seen was the boy's face twist in pain. "Release your prisoner and turn around with your hands above your head."

"Shoot us!"

At first Lassiter and all the officers were confused, but when he man turned around and Shawn said the words again, "Shoot us!" they could see that Spencer was serious.

"I said, let him go and put your hands in the air."

"How sweet, Shawn, Detective Lassiter does care for you. Too bad he will turn on you just like all the others, not like me. I have always been honest with you. I have always wanted you to be who you are. I've never wanted to change you."

Shawn looked down at the blood on hands. Looking back up at Lassiter, his eyes were filled with tears. "Please, just kill me."

Lassiter couldn't stand seeing the pain and fear in Shawn's eyes, so he took aim. The sound of the single shot echoed around the darkness. Shawn hadn't moved. He had stood his ground and even now, as the man that was behind him slid down his body, he didn't move.

He did move when he felt Lassiter's arms around him. He moved as his legs gave way and he collapsed into Lassiter. While Lassiter tended to Shawn, Juliet cut the boy free and the rest of the officer's secured the room. That was, until one found a small object that had flashing lights.

"Detective Lassiter, I've found a bomb."

"Everyone out, now!" Lassiter screamed as he lifted up Shawn. An officer took the boy from Juliet and they all headed towards the exit. They had all just made it out of the door and closed it, before the bomb went off.

The next few hours were a blur. First Shawn and the boy were sent off to hospital. Gus and an officer went with them while Lassiter and Juliet stayed around to deal with the explosion.

By the time Lassiter and Juliet finished, it was too late to go to the hospital. Not that it stopped Lassiter going. He wanted to talk to Spencer, but the doctor had told him that both Spencer and the boy were still under sedation and wouldn't be able to be interviewed until the morning. Frustrated, but knowing that there wasn't anything he could do, Lassiter headed home. The interviews would have to wait until the next day. The only trouble with this was, Lassiter had time to dwell on Spencer and the fact that he wanted him to shoot him.

**Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.**


	10. Medical Report

**Chapter 10: Medical Report**

Detective's Lassiter and O'Hara were both at the hospital early the next day. Lassiter was determined to make sure Spencer was safe, one way or another. But right now, it had to be through the job. They met at the nurse's station and waited while the doctor was called.

Juliet pulled Lassiter to one side while they waited. "So, what do you think was up with Shawn yesterday?"

"He was being held by a cold blooded murderer that had a knife to his throat. How did you expect him to react?"

"Not for you to shoot him, that's for sure."

"Shawn was ..." Lassiter tried hard to find the right word, but Juliet found it for him.

"Suicidal!"

"He was confused."

"Bull and you know it. Shawn wasn't begging for his life. He was begging for you to take it. Whatever is going on with him right now is affecting him really badly and he is going to get people killed."

"I know, but ..."

"Detective's Lassiter and O'Hara?"

"Yes, Doctor, I'm Detective Lassiter and this is my partner Detective O'Hara."

"Please, follow me." They followed the doctor to his office. "Take a seat." The doctor then walked around the desk as the detectives sat down. After he was also seated the doctor continued. "I'm Doctor Lee and I'm treating the two victims that were brought in last night. One ten year old boy and a thirty nine year old man."

"Are you sure of the age of the boy, Doctor?" Lassiter asked.

"Yes, his name is Clive and he is ten years old. Is there a problem, Detective?"

"He's not the right child, that's all."

"What do you mean by not the right child?"

"We were all working on a case where children have been going missing and turning up dead, strangled. The last child to be taken was a five year old. We may have saved this child, but there is still a child out there in a killer's hands."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Detective, but I can only work with what I've got. The cuts the young boy stained are all superficial. They just cut the surface of the skin and were made with the sole purpose of inflicting as much pain as they possibly could."

"Is the boy going to recover?"

"The physical wounds will heal, but the emotional ones, I doubt they ever will."

"Was the boy sexually abused?" Lassiter asked hoping that the answer would be no.

"I'm sorry to say this, but yes, this young man was raped."

"Will we be able to talk to him?" Juliet asked.

"I think so. If you choose your questions carefully, but you will have to wait."

"Why?" Lassiter snapped.

"The boy isn't from here so you will have to wait for either someone from child services or for his parents to get here. They're flying in from Washington right now."

"Ok, well what about Shawn Spencer and the other officers that were brought in?"

"Most of the officers have gone home, you all were every lucky there, but as for Mr. Spencer, well ..."

"Well, what?" Juliet asked not liking how the doctor paused.

"Hmm...It seems that the nurses had a little trouble with him last night."

"In what way?"

"He was angry and every so often, violent, and kept mumbling to himself that, 'Lassiter should have killed me'. I don't know what that man did to Mr. Spencer, as we cannot find anything wrong with him other than where he had been tied with ropes. But whatever it was, has made that young man very angry."

"No, he didn't." Seeing that the doctor wanted information. Lassiter continued. "Something happened over a month ago that made him angry."

"I see, anyway, I see nothing wrong with him, but I do suggest that he be seen by a psychologist just to be sure he's not suicidal."

Juliet gave Lassiter an 'I told you so' look. "Can I see the boy now? Detective Lassiter will take Mr. Spencer."

"As long as you don't interview him, sure."

"I promise I won't."

"Well then, follow me." And with that the doctor led the detectives to the rooms. Before entering Shawn's room, Lassiter made a call.

"Chief, it seems that the killer we caught wasn't the one we were after. It might still pay to have the zoo searched."

"You're kidding me, right, Detective Lassiter?"

"I wish, Chief. This one abused the boy sexually and physically, plus this boy was ten years old and is from Washington, whereas our missing boy was five and the killer doesn't do anything but strangle them."

"Ok, thank you for the update, please keep us informed of any other changes."

"I will, I'm just going in now to interview Spencer." Lassiter hung up his phone and then opened the door to Spencer's room.

Shawn was lying on his bed looking at the celling. He looked dazed and completely out of it.

"Spencer," Lassiter called out, so that he knew he was there.

Shawn's head rolled to the side and stared at him. A smile formed on Shawn's face, but it wasn't Shawn's smile. This one was slightly twisted and if Lassiter ever got a chance again, would say that it had a hint of evil in it.

All of a sudden, Shawn's face became serious again. "You should have killed me. You don't know what you have done. You should have killed me!" There were tears in Shawn's eyes, yet laughter at the same time.

"Spencer, I...I couldn't have. I need to know what he did to you."

"Nothing, he just made me watch and then he was going to make me cut the boy and then…kill him. I didn't want to. I didn't want to become like him. I DON'T want to be like him."

"You won't be. You're a good person, Shawn, and you always will be."

"You just don't understand, Lassiter. You should have killed me."

Just then, there was a knock on the door. It was the Psychologist to talk to Shawn. Getting up, Lassiter left. He just hoped that whatever this was, Shawn will get over it.

**Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.**


	11. Two Days Later

**Chapter 11: Two Days Later**

It had been two days since they rescued Shawn and the boy from the zoo. Following the fact that the man that had Shawn wasn't the one they were looking for, they continued to search the zoo and found the other man and the missing boy.

So from Shawn's reckless actions, they caught two murderers and saved two, and many more, lives. Now, now they all were standing in the Chief's office. Henry stood next to Shawn, who was sitting. Gus was standing nearer to Juliet and Lassiter was standing in the back, watching Shawn.

Something was off. It had been off for weeks now, but today it was worse. Shawn was on edge, full of anger and hatred and those feelings were flowing from him into the air. It was like a pungent smell, but you couldn't smell it, you could feel it and it was starting to get to everyone in that small room.

Chief Vick let out a short sigh before closing the file in front of her. Looking up, she caught Shawn's eyes. She could see that something inside of them had died. The warm friendly spark that once shone in those eyes was now gone, replaced by a cold and hateful stare.

"Mr. Spencer, you did a good job. We caught two child murderers, but in doing so, we lost several good officers to injuries. Why did you go there without back up?"

"That's not my fault! I texted Burton and Detective Lassiter that I was going to the zoo. Not my fault they choose to ignore it, what else could I have done?"

"You could have called them, instead of texting. You could have called the station and actually talked to someone and you could have...waited! By rushing in, you endangered yourself, that boy and my officers and I'm …."

"If I had known 'he' was there, I would have never gone. I never go to the zoo, ever! But because we needed to find that kid, I went. I saw the connection and I did what I had to do."

"Shawn …." Henry said, placing his hand on Shawn's shoulder.

"You said I saved those kids, why can't you just leave it at that?"

"Because I need to know that it's not going to happen again."

"You mean, that I don't stuff up again. Well, Chief Vick, I will tell you this. I may have stuffed up, but two kids are still alive. Your detective there," Shawn turned and pointed at Lassiter, "stuffed up even more. He should have shot me too. Now," Shawn turned back to Chief Vick and stood up. "If you don't need me anymore, I'm leaving."

Shawn didn't wait for a response, he just headed for the door, only to have it blocked by Detective Lassiter.

"Sit. Back. Down. Chief Vick isn't finished with you yet."

"Well, I'm finished, Detective, get out of my ..."

"Mr. Spencer, sit down!" Chief Vick's voice was strong and commanding that Shawn just did what he was told.

Chief Vick could see that Shawn was shaking, why, she wasn't sure, but she also saw that the anger in his eyes was stronger and more intense than before.

"Mr. Spencer, due to concern about your mental state, namely the fact you keep claiming that Detective Lassiter should have shot you, you will not be allowed to return to work until you have been assessed and cleared to return to work. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand. I understand that Detective Lassiter has finally won. He's finally got me out of this station and out of his cases."

"Not at all, once you are clear, you will be welcomed back, now you are dismissed."

Everyone stood up and started to leave. Lassiter lead the way, but he couldn't just let what Shawn said go.

"Spencer, god help me, if you ..." Lassiter was shocked to see that Shawn just walked past him and was heading out of the station. "SPENCER! Where the hell do you think you are going?"

"God Damn it," Lassiter said under his breath. "That's it."

Lassiter went after Shawn. When he reached him, Lassiter reached out placing a hand on Shawn's shoulder. It was a big mistake. Before he knew it, Shawn had turned around, grabbing his hand so he couldn't move. Lassiter wasn't sure if it was Shawn's strength that shocked him, or that in the same movement, Shawn had managed to swing around and had planted a good right hook to his jaw. But no matter what it was, Lassiter found himself flat on the floor.

A quick glance around and Lassiter could see everyone watching him. Trying to save face Lassiter was quickly on his feet and only inches from Spence's face.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Lassiter growled.

"I am…who I am!" Shocked at the anger that was now burning in Shawn's eyes, Lassiter took a few steps back. "What you see is what you get, Detective. Nothing more…nothing less. This is WHAT I am! This is WHO I am! What stands before you is all you get. This is me, Shawn Spencer, the fool and the idiot."

Before Lassiter could respond, Shawn had turned around and walked away. Too shocked to do anything other than watch him leave. Lassiter couldn't believe what had just happened. Not only had Spencer hit him, but he lost this temper.

_'What the hell was happening around here_?' Lassiter thought to himself as he rubbed his aching chin.

With fear that Spencer might do something...bad growing in the pit of his stomach. Lassiter needed to do something, but what. Then he remembered that when all this started that Woody seemed to know something about what was going on with Spencer.

"O'Hara, I'm going to see Woody." And with that Lassiter walked off.

**Thank you for reading and reviewing my story.**


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